because no one reads this...

What can I say... I HATE politics! And I absolutely hate when men, especially two men sitting at a bar talk about abortion rights.
So both of these things ensued tonight... and one of them was my other half. Barf-a-rama!
From the beginning, the other guy was and has been for some time now, in love with his own intelligent voice. What's the point in talking to him when he,  "knows everything" and is about to tell you every argument about "everything" he knows?
This is what I believe....
I have little faith in any politics, Dem, Rep  Independent, Green party, Tea party or any fucking party that thinks they are going to do anything that matters to the multiplying masses in this world . I think them no lesser an evil of each other. I think Clinton was charming but I don't put him past the evils that happened while he was in office. Politics are critically horrible on any level... and there are many levels, even down to the art level. Money is always at hand... and always rules. So there is no point for "me" (who gives no shits about the topic) to talk about it when I have no faith in any of it.
Abortion: When men bleed every month, have the worst cramps, the worst PMS, the most insane mood swings, worry about cervical cancer, don't give reasons of the "almighty" at hand and/or shove a 8inch head out their 1cm ejaculation hole (which they most likely stick in anything that moves) then I will hear their fucking views on abortion. Until then.... yes, it is a women's right to chose.
These things I stand firm on and I won't waste my breath trying to argue a point to change your mind or mine... to much energy wasted. 
Fuck you and good night
j-

Morning's Glory

Quit my job... quit my work life as I have known it for the last 6 years. I finally just pushed myself off the edge. Needed to happen. I like being the person people are jealous of. Fuck you all...I was tired of hating everyday.  I want a life to be happy about, to work hard for and to proud of what I am working hard for. I want to laugh for most of the rest of my life... cause as cliche as it is... Life is absolutely too short.

"Harris" she used to call out...

You always say "they will never get to see this again" but I realized tonight looking up at the sky, "they"
are this.
For the first time in my life I have lost a someone whose soul is connected to mine... and when I looked up at the sky tonight, he was there. As hippy as it sounds his energy existed and then I realized that all of those we have lost have become an energy that make up what we are looking at on any given day at any given time. I find comfort in that. He was not my mother, my sibling or my great friend... but he was a building block in my life. He was not a great tragedy and yes, he was old and that makes it ok because we all die. He will still be missed. And he will still be someone my grandmother, mother, aunts and uncles miss on a daily basis.  He was a man of little action until action needed to be in place and then he was an unmovable wall, full of pride and opinionated as hell. He was married to the best woman ever, my grandmother, and I think for her alone, he held on to the very end. I believe she needed him as much as he needed her. She is just as stubborn as he was and they were amazingly stubborn together, one of my favorite things about them... They earned every minute and had every right. They loved me unconditionally, that was comforting.
Last I saw him, he was 80lbs and I almost had to leave the room because seeing him so meek was heartbreaking. I think he felt the same way... not wanting anyone to see him in such a vulnerable state. But, I am glad that I was able to take him outside for a cigarette and this is one of the last things he said to me,
Grandpa: I need a lighter
Me: It's pretty windy out here I don't know if you'll get your cigarette lit.
He got his cigarette lit and then leaned into me with his weak but recognizable voice...
Grandpa: If you would stop flappin your lips it wouldn't be so windy out here.
The last thing he said to me: "be good"
I will Harris,
Love you
Love,
your granddaughter.

nature's circumstance

It's nice to feel the cool breeze on a hot day. It's also nice to know that no one blew away in the storm back home. 91mph winds tearing through Indiana lifting 100 year old trees from their earth and dropping them across the life lines of electricity not due back on til Wed. I had always looked at the tree in the backyard and wondered what storm would take it down. It is the oldest, largest and tallest one on the block. It leaned ever so slightly towards the neighbors house. I thought maybe our house would be safe...but alas, it was not. It seems befitting that in the summer my mom decides to sell my childhood home, a tree that harbors just as many memories as the house is taken out by the storm. In the mean time my mother is dealing with her scared mother in the beginning throws of dementia and her father, who is hanging on by a thread... I think only because my granny keeps yelling at him to get better. He can't get better but he can hang on just one more second, minute, hour, day. So with no power and ailing parents my mother does not have the capacity to worry about the tree laid down on the back of the house, limbs out stretched, silently saying... "If you are going, I am going with you"  

grey day...

It's raining in the Northwest today...fancy that. I like to sink into a nice cup of coffee and enjoy doing a lot of nothing on days like these. The sunshine for what little we see of it makes you always feel like you should always be doing "something", enjoying yourself in one way or another. A ray of light will bolt out of the sun and pierce your lazy heart with guilt if you are not moving. So yes, on days like today, I like to take it easy, read a bit, look at art on the computer and on Instagram. I have only recently joined the world of Instagram and it has blown my mind a little bit. I am usually the first to hate technology and scold people for sitting around a table on their fucking iphones... now, regretfully?, I am one of them.
I have a love/hate relationship with it all... But the access to an infinite amount of amazing tattoos and tattooers has fallen on the love side of the fence. People that I admire that update in no other place but instagram are now conveniently accessible at the very tap of a pointer finger. This is good news and requires a lot less internet searching. It's like an addictive never ending eye candy... and this lands on the hate part of the fence. I have things I could be doing...
Shit, the sun is coming out. I should probably, at the very least, walk the dog.
j-

maintain status quo with moring coffe

Morning,
I swear to write more, the same way everyone swears to write more. Seems to be a lot going on and not enough at times. I make the best excuses, like anyone can, as to why I can't get the fuck out of bed in the morning, walk my dog, and write about things.
So here I am, trying to change things maybe in baby steps but long story short.... or possibly longer than it should be.
Realized life situations:
I want to be in like Michael, hanging from a train bridge with no way up and no way out but dropping, free fall into an unknown fog. This is not to say I want to be a vampire but as it is, I sit at the side of the bridge looking at it thinking, "Shit, a train could come at any moment or there could be vampires down there and that wouldn't be good." Well, there probably are vampires down there or in actuality and minus the Hollywood magic it's only a 20ft drop and I land on my feet.  So much less dramatic and risky than I make everything out to be.
Hailie said to me "You can't fail or fall too hard. You have too many good people around you to let that happen" She is right, so what 's my excuse? Why can't I put one foot in front of the other and do what I really want to do, what I know I am good at doing. Why do I consistently word vomit excuses that pile up until I can't see my way? My only "excuse", I have always been this way. Life coach? Therapy? I don't fuckin' know. It all feels like standing in the super market with too many choices and it feels like a blessing and such a waste in the same breath.

Things happening:
I got a dog... good dog.
I got a truck... old truck.
Stella got married... new beginnings, emotional, beautiful, bonding.
Too many good people have died... hard to digest some days.
I don't want to tattoo... did I just say that out loud? going with my gut feeling.
I adore the tattoo world... some of the most amazing people I know.
I want to open my own small business... jump bitch!
I want to write less about my inability to make a decision... be more creative and imaginative.

I got this,
j-


 

Rest in Peace Chad Sellers...

Often Rich will walk outside and listen for a minute... he will then say, the people he loves that are gone will never hear the birds, never smell the rain and never feel the warmth of the sun on their skin again. He and I have really different ideas when it comes to death...But he has lost a good amount of people in recent months that are so close to him... and now one more. Rich is 1000 miles away from me and I felt compelled, tonight, as I learned of his good friends death, to call him and let him know... before facebook and before he got back from his trip. I know how close he was to Chad and I knew in every cell of my being that waiting would only cause more and prolonged grief. I walked out onto the front stoop, heard the birds, smelled the damp in the air and felt the wind on my skin, and all of the grief and weight that Rich feels for the loved ones he has lost. It is almost too much to carry.
This tattoo is by Chad Sellers. It is the last one he did before his unexpected death.  I only knew him a little bit but I knew that he was truly a golden person. Rich had nothing but amazing things to say about Chad. They had a friendship in a box all its own. Chad would call Rich, excited about a tattoo, excited about getting tattooed or hanging out with someone amazing (Jim Miner), plans were made for him to come back to Portland, plans were made for us to visit NY. I can still hear his voice from the outside looking in on their friendship. This is not happening... for the sake of Rich's heart and Chad's family....it can't be happening.  The universe raining down... harder than I can keep up with. And for the sake of difference in belief... I hope Chad, that you can still feel the warmth of the sunshine on your skin and above all, the love that so many people feel for you. Safe travels my friend...