the front has moved in and covered the sun. a typical day here in portland. a way around all the uncertainty that I feel. i wouldn't consider moving home defeat as some days i think i have had my fill of Portland. i would consider staying here and being unhappy as my defeat.
i have been a lucky girl... the luckiest, if you will. not charmed though, as some are who surround me. let me explain my luck... and then why i can't seem to get happy or be more grateful for my luck... and then my plans to move towards being a happier and more grateful girl and make this city the place i love once again.
i am sitting on a comfy leather couch in my rented living room looking out over the river and the west hills... as luck would have it, i met my friend jason through work and he needed a roommate and i needed a place to stay. so here i am 3 years later minus a roommate but added a great man I call my other half. i couldn't even dream of living here if i didn't.
my job is the source of the best moments in my life and some of my worst. infinity is the connect that has weaved an even smaller portland than i could have ever imagined. i have a good job...but i feel lost. let me explain this... i worked hard... the old fashion way. 4 years i made the lives of 6 to 8 artists lives a better place when i was around. i pay attention to detail, to conversations...all 5 going on at once. i was in early to clean and mop and get everyone ready for their day. i would stay late so that everyone could get out of there on time. i dealt with what seemed like hundreds of customers non-stop... i was good at it. i was selfless in a sea of islands unto themselves. of course i burned out and from that i decided it was time to tattoo or move on. lucky me, we found a loop hole in the oregon school system. tattoo friends... tattoo little walk-ins... tattoo part time... and then, sink or swim. how did i get here? one of the best shops in portland, where sometimes i cringe when i am tattooing next to alice and her client is getting this giant beautiful piece and my client is just drooling at the mouth over it. as luck would have it, i am learning from the best in portland and how could i ever be unhappy about this but most days i don't feel like i belong. clients ask me if this what i wanted to do for a long time and the answer is no. it was an opportunity and i took it...maybe taking a little away from others who really give this craft an amazing name or unfortunately, others that have been spoon feeding themselves the ideas of being a tattooer since the first season of miami ink. that is what i am up against right now. i have met giants in this craft...giants that don't need a reality tv show to credit their existence. when i crossed over i lost a grip and fell into a tadpole pool. hundreds of these kids learning to tattoo. portland, a saturated mess of them. i don't want to swim with the tadpoles... i want to creep with the giants. not sure i have what it takes to do that... to respectably shake the hand of a giant and say "hey, i am a tattooer as well". i am constantly conflicted. doing well for my first year (they say)... but will it ever be good enough? so i am thinking my way out of the tadpole pool... yet, i am a lucky girl to have this job... to have met and worked with amazing people. but my heart is heaving with something about my life being "out of step" and sometimes that feels ungrateful and a waste of their time but i truly am grateful.
i am hatching a plan for which i need a fire under my ass, a business plan with no business experience and dog as my sidekick.
i am hatching a plan to walk amongst giants again and respectably so.
i am hatching a plan to be happy again and find my adopted city loveable again... cause for all the hard work, i feel like a deserve a little.
i am scared to death... but if i pull this off... i won't be surprised.
i am a lucky girl.
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